[elephanto]

Dear Bros,

In the midst of much pain, I hope some bros can enlightened me.

I am married for coming to 7 years now.
Because we married in our late 30s, both of us already owned resale hdb flats with our parents name.

The original plan was she agree to live with me & my mum after marriage, sell both flats & apply for new Hdb flat togather (never enjoy subsidy b4 single).

so wife stayed with me & my mum for 2 years. subsquently, she refused to sell her own place for sentimental reasons. My mum won't want to move into her house so stay put in my house. so, I live with my wife in her house for the past few years - & both of us each pay for our own hdb commitments. Actually, HDB rules are that we have to sell one of them but the whole thing just dragged.

My wife earn more than me & perhaps this marriage was a mistake in the 1st place & love couldn't win against financial stress.

I went into biz with my wife's blessings & financial help. Later, it failed & it's true to owe her money (5 figure sum).

To her credit, she was very angry & wanted a seperation - later we got back together. I took a low paying telesales job to rebuild confidence.

3 years back - wife health not good, we went though thick & thin.

Then in early 2006, saw her internet banking records of H81 bill (wife trust me to handle bill payments etc). I was shocked but 4give her when she said at the last minute, she regretted & didn't cross the line.

It is very painful to recall & relate.

so, i'll just summarize - I admit I am a lousy husband who failed in biz (some more with her $). Another anguish is due to medical condition of both of us, we tried to have kids but failed. My wife is very maternal & this is a sore pt to her. she wanted to adopt in 2006, but by then, her poor health & my low income (we are in fact shouldering 2 HDB household commitments serparately) & ashamed to say has no savings & live month to month.

So, I do not support her to adopt & she has not 4given me to this day. I want to adopt too but must face facts mah....sigh!

Adultery when not the 1-nite-stand type follows a process : intro, acquainted, chemistry & attraction, long & regular phone calls, secretive dates, got feelings oredy - then naturally cross the line.

In late 2006, this happen to me. I find myself getting no answers from her for her changed behaviour - she accused me of being insecure/ unreasonable. I find myself secretly checking her sms & email - what's new ? I discover all the lovey-dovey, special nite out etc.

so, wife turn on me that I invade her privacy.....

Later that guy (married man), marriage broke down, but don't blame my wife. He also not serious one - slowly drift apart.

I 4give(?) my wife when she later admitted to affair. But can see she really into him (from reading her dairy entries).

Meantime, we resume going to church but wife refuse marriage counelling.

Our married life sucks - we dont do things together. She is a hairstylist so weekend she works I am left alone. Weekdays, she work back after 9pm. sometimes, 10+ pm.

We are constantly making ends meet from month to month.

Recently, a new man in her life. So obvious - she would open be on the phone at nite with him in my presence - to show she has nothing to hide.
But the flirtatious tone, making dating arrangements hurt me until I have to leave room to go bedroom & sleep.

Then she start to mix truths & half-truths. When I secretly checked her sms & phone records, gosh same man !

Things come to breakpoint recently. she again bring up the past, how the marriage no security to her etc So, I said then set you free then - no need for you to start all your deception again.

She flare when she heard me say I look into her email & sms. Said she would sue me for invading her privacy - want to divorce, kick me out of her house asap etc etc. Her family memebers are lawyers - she would sue me to pay her back what I owe her.

I told her then sue me for bankrupcy then. I have no savings or asets & I will not sell my HDB flat (in my own name now my dad has passed away) as my old mum still need a roof.)

I threaten that if she go for broke, then I will tell all - to my mum-in-law, her mum about her late nites (back at 5am, 3am,2am all sorts of time, sometimes not back home - always with excuses - some true some lies).

Anyway, I have moved back to my own HDB flat & live with my mum again.

I am very ashamed of my own inadequacies - my marriage has been a mistake, my wife deserve better & should be set free long ago - why should I have used her $ b4 ?

Now haunting me is:-
(1) There is no IOUs. When in happier times, my wife was even director of my defunct company. All the $ she helped me with in business, can she really sue me to repay her? But it was all hubby-wife-no-coercion, loan wasn't even mentioned in those days?

(2) Can my wife sue me for that & make me bankrupt? Can I refuse to sell my own HDB flat?

(3) No kids, no matrimonial assets, 2 HDB flats from our single days in our own name. Divorce should be straightforward after seperation if both parties do not wish to contest right ?

(4) Car loan still outstanding - car is hers in her name - she pays the monthly instalment, but last year she very tight, so I pay for her rd tax & insurance thru monthly giro instalment. But I am the car loan guarantor.

Hope this is not a dead thread.

Hope to receive advice from kind bros here.

Thks !